On Relationships...

This note is rather personal and I was going to leave it in my diary but I thought I'd share. Even if one person finds this helpful, the vulnerability is worth it.

Lots has been happening lately. Big decisions, big consequences. But I am empowered and am enjoying this feeling of victory I have with myself. The ability to walk out of a situation that is not positive for me and my thoughts takes strength and in this case deserves a huge pat on the back. It's been interesting to realize that the most selfish people are generally only selfish to others, but it seems that selfless people are usually selfish to themselves. It's complicated, I know. It's true though. Selfishness of self, to me, means that regardless of how bad or negative something is for you, you try to hold on to it for that temporary momentary happiness, knowing fully well that this feeling is not good or encompassing. I don't really know which one is worse. Selfishness towards others, or self. I'd rather be selfless to others because being good to just yourself is in no way better than being good to everyone else. I guess time will reveal the best answer. (the answer isn't as obvious as you might think)

Going through the things that I've been through lately is tiring. My relationships with people has transformed, not necessarily just changed. Changes can be reversed, but transformations are more permanent. Transformations come with understanding and accepting. Understanding is the easy thing, accepting sometimes takes a long while, my friends. Regardless of whatever it is that you're struggling with, there really is a point when you say "enough". Enough perceptions, perspectives, explanations, excuses, empty promises. Enough wishing, hoping, praying. Enough of destiny, fate, chances. Just enough. Good things come in ugly packages, I have realized that. But ugliness that eventually unfolds to beauty and triumph. Ugliness that turns into hideousness is negativity. I guess knowing that fine line between out of control and completely under control is extremely difficult.

As important it is to be hopeful and struggle, equally important is being fair to yourself. Equal, neither one is more or less, but one shouldn't come with the compromise of the other. No it won't. Good interactions give something in return to what they take away from. Interactions and relationships that bring you down are never worth it. It's a universal truth that I have learned through personal experiences. Take my word for it.

Amen.